An Impossibly Twisted Fairy Tale
by Sheo Darren
Summary: A.K.A. The Legend of Sleeping Snow White Cinderella Rapunzel Jeanne and the Bambi Beast. An AU humor fic with oodles of LysJean. Chapter Four. Anna's evil continues! Poor Lyserg! And now I will start running before the flames hit.
1. Chapter 1

**The Fourth Wall**

**(as inspired by Syaoran no Hime)**

**  
**"_Kuya _Sheo? You didn't sleep again last night, did you?"

"How'd you know?" the bleary, bloodshot-eyed, fatigue-wasted Author in question asked his darling _imouto_ Jess.

**  
_And so is born…_**

**  
An Impossibly Twisted Fairy Tale**

**  
**(a.k.a. _The Legend of Sleeping Snow White Cinderella Rapunzel Jeanne and the Bambi Beast_– which explains why I went for the shorter title instead )

**  
Prologue**

**the shorthand…**

**  
Long long ago, in a galaxy far, far away…**

**  
**There lived a princess by the name of Jeanne.

Her full title wasPrincess Sleeping Snow White Cinderella Rapunzel Jeanne. (As such, everyone just went with the shorter appellation of Jeanne-_sama_.)

She was the most beautiful and kindest girl in the whole universe. There was great celebration on the day of her birth as she was the firstborn, the only child after twenty-five years of the King and Queen being married. The faeries of the realm, led by the Pinkan Angel, came to bestow abundant blessings on her.

However, she earned the enmity of the evil Ice Queen, who envied her beauty and hated her kindness and knew that this girl would bring about her doom one day. (That and the King somehow forgot to hand the spiteful thing an invitation to the big birthday bash.)

The Ice Queen planned to kill Jeanne before the latter's seventeen birthday for the simple reason that once the girl hit seventeen, a plot shield would activate and she would become immune to future evil. Thus she marshaled her forces and plotted while at her feet her hunchbacked pygmy flunky cackled like the imbecile he was hired to play as.

Meanwhile Jeanne grew into an absolutely lovely waif. Her father the King sought to find a suitable husband for his daughter before she became sixteen. He sought far and wide, long and short, black and white. Finally, he found a good match: a handsome young dowser knight prince by the name of Lyserg, from the noble house of Diethyl.

But the Ice Queen knew all of this beforehand. She spun her evil web of deceit, intending to kill the Princess (actually, reducing her to a comatose state was enough, but as the Ice Queen was wont of saying, "Aim for the stars, you'll at least hit the Moon.") before she could bring about her destiny.

But other powers were abroad, some arrayed against the Ice Queen, some neutral. They would all come together into a massive saga that would make last year's War of the Ring look like a boring sideshow.

**  
And so begins this yarn…**

_to begin in the next chapter…_


	2. Chapter 2

**The Fourth Wall**

**(as inspired by Syaoran no Hime)**

**  
**"ATE SYAOWIE! PAHIRAM NG IDEYA MO PARA SA FOURTH WALL! PLIS!"

"_Kuya… Nakakahiya..."_

**  
_And so begins…_**

**  
An Impossibly Twisted Fairy Tale**

**  
Chapter 01**

**the announcement**

**  
**"Jeanne-_sama_!"

The silver-haired girl smiled at her attendant and childhood friend Milly. "What is it, Milly-_chan_?"

"Your father the King requests your presence!"

"All right, then. I'm coming." She gestured most kindly. "Will you accompany me, Milly-_chan_?"

"Certainly, Jeanne-_sama_!"

"Tell the others, then."

**  
**King Horohoro fidgeted. He didn't like his throne very much. It was too garish for his tastes and very uncomfortable on his butt. He would have given half his kingdom for a sofa. As it was, he was forbidden even a small cushion to spare him a fistula.

_I don't know why people want to be King. Being King is no fun for me. Where's the royal authority? I never make the decisions; my wife does._

His wife was another matter. He dearly loved Pilika. But something in the back of his head told him that the entire thing between them was wrong. He just couldn't put his finger on it.

Jeanne arrived in the capacious throne room, accompanied by her dutiful Lily Five retinue. "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Mother."

"Is she really our daughter?" Horohoro wondered. "Because she doesn't look like me or you in any w–"

Pilika gave him a level look.

"I mean: welcome, my dearest daughter!" He held his arms out to Jeanne and impishly grinned. "Give daddy a big hug and a wet kiss on the cheek!"

Stomp.

"OW!"

"Oh, Father, Mother." Jeanne giggled most lady-like. "What is it you have called me for?"

"Ah, dearest daughter–" A quick querulous glance at his wife, who nodded in approval, then Horohoro went on. "I have wonderful news!"

"Truly so?"

"Oh, yeah!" Stomp. "Ack– I mean, Yes! As you know, your sixteenth birthday is coming. So, daddy-oh– ouch! I mean, I, as your father, have taken it upon me to find you a prospective ball and chain– Agh! A husband!"

"What?" Her cheeks turned a cute cherry color. "A– a husband? For me?"

"Yes! As you know, it is tradition in all fairy tale stories that you get engaged and married at a ridiculously young age–"

Whap.

"Owzors… What I meant to say was that it's time for you to seriously consider your future."

"But, Father, I'm just fifteen."

"So? Juliet, our Capulet neighbors' daughter, is fourteen, but she's getting hitched to that Paris guy who's like twice her age. Come to think of it," Horohoro mused aloud, "I keep on hearing rumors about her and that Montague boy. Romeo: what a dopey name. Then there's that Aragorn lad getting married to that centuries-old elf girl Arwen. Talk about weird…"

Pilika withdrew from her back a paper fan and held it before her husband's face. Horohoro got the message and shut his trap.

Jeanne wished she could shuffle her feet or twiddle her fingers. But that was not princess-like. So she chose to ask instead: "Who will be my betrothed?"

**  
**Lyserg Diethyl turned his head to look at Morphine. "What is it?" he asked his guardian fairy.

"Master Lyserg, your father wants you home. He has important news for you."

"Is that so? I guess it must be really important. Dowsing practice can wait for later. Let's go." The young prince rode off on his white horse towards Castle Diethyl.

**  
_The prince and the princess have been destined to meet! What will happen next?_**

**  
**Exactly the same question Rin asked her father:

"What happens next, Papa?"

"If you're a good girl," Sesshomaru told her, "I'll continue with the story."

"Okay…"

Standing in the doorway, Kikyo just shook her head and smiled.


	3. Chapter 3

**The Fourth Wall**

**(as inspired by Syaoran no Hime)**

**  
**"Why am I married to Pilika?" Horohoro demands as Pilika complains "Why am I married to my _oniisan_?"

"They're my parents?" Jeanne asks.

"I'm an angel?" blushes Tamao.

"_Kuya, _why are the chapters so short?" Jess pauses. "And why are Sesshomaru, Rin and Kikyo mentioned here? Aren't they from _Inu-Yasha_?"

"_Et tu_, Jess?" The Author sobs.

**  
_And so continues…_**

**  
An Impossibly Twisted Fairy Tale**

**  
Chapter Two**

**the evil ice queen**

**  
**In the frozen wasteland of the Frozen Wastes a.k.a. Funbari Onsen, Kyoyama Anna, the evil Ice Queen and this fan fiction's main villain, narrowed her icy blue eyes as she reclined deeper into her most comfortable bean bag chair, watched the Koreanovela "My Girl" and thought over the previous chapter.

_Princess Jeanne. Daughter of that fool Horohoro and Pilika (and how did _that_ happen?). A fifteen year old girl– barely more than a child._

To think such a pitiful human girl could actually be the bane of her existence…

But the Pinkan Angel, her fairy cousin on the distaff side of her family, visited Anna when Jeanne was born and told her that her time was coming to an end, as Jeanne would end her evil. And the thing was that Tamao could never lie, not even to her enemy, and was always right in the end, however much Anna wanted it otherwise.

_NO!_

The temperature within the entire domain took a nosedive at the fury of its Mistress.

_I am Kyoyama Anna! I am the immortal Ice Queen of the Frozen Wastes of Funbari Onsen! I have destroyed all who have tried to stand in my way! The legendary warrior hero Amidamaru!_

**  
**In Antarctica, Amidamaru is frozen next to Captain America.

**  
**_That upstart necromancer Faust!_

**  
**In the Sahara Desert, safe from the reaches of Anna:

"Achoo!"

"Bless you."

"Hmm. Eliza, my love, I think someone is talking about me."

**  
**_Not even dearest cousin Tamao, the most powerful of all the goody two-shoes fairies, was able to do more than draw equal with me in battle! How, then, can a mere human girl hope to dethrone and destroy me?_

_But I am petty and paranoid enough to spare effort and attention towards such a minor matter that just might prove my undoing in the future. So:_

"Manta!"

A dumpy hunchback hobbled out of the darkness. Manta groveled at the foot of Anna's throne. "Yes, Mistress?"

"I want Jeanne dead. Or at least stuck in a deathlike coma. Immediately. Also, make me my usual brew of hot green tea. I want all of those done now."

"Yes, Mistress!" He made as if to run, but turned back and asked "Uh, Mistress?"

"What?"

"How is making you your usual brew of hot green tea now going to kill or put Jeanne in a coma?"

Anna's right eyebrow twitched. Manta caught the message and hastily apologized. "I'll go get your tea immediately, Mistress!" Then he ran for his life, ice spikes stabbing out of the floor and stalactites falling from the ceiling nipping at his heels.

Anna glowered. _Stupid hobbit. You could never get really good household help in the Villains' Weekly._

_Still: Jeanne. One way or another, in my hands or by the hands or others, you will die._

_Now, where was my nail file?_

**  
_And so the plot thickens! What will happen next?_**

**  
**"Ooh, that rascally Anna." Rin was up in arms over the injustice. "She is so evil!"

"Yes, she is," agreed Sesshomaru, who himself disliked Anna, too.

"What is that horrid witch up to next?"

"Let me see…" He panned through the pages. "Ah, here we are…"

Kikyo went off to get a platter of Chips Ahoy cookies and Anchor milk for them.


	4. Chapter 4

**The Fourth Wall**

**(as inspired by Syaoran no Hime)**

**  
**"Why am I Anna's slave?" Manta howls before he is crushed beneath the iron heel of Kyouyama Anna. "As long as my death is not stupid," Anna states levelly, "I will not complain nor kill you."

Sighing at all the issues raised in this and the previous chapter, the Author looks at the blushing Jeanne and Lyserg. "I hope _you two_ are happy, now, are you?"

Both shyly nod assent.

**  
_And so continues…_**

**  
An Impossibly Twisted Fairy Tale**

**  
Episode Three**

**the big day**

**  
**Jeanne's sixteenth birthday was the biggest event of the year in the Kingdom of D'Arc. Everyone wanted to attend. 5000 zeny entrance tickets were gobbled up like Growers' Peanuts.

However, unknown to all, especially the celebrant herself, a phantom menace loomed over the horizon…

**  
**Anna went through the list Manta composed for her while simultaneously watching _Pasion De Amor_ on The Filipino Channel.

Plan A: Get Jeanne to eat a poisoned apple.

Plan B: Get Jeanne to prick her finger on a poison tipped spindle.

Plan C: Get Jeanne to comb her hair using a poisoned comb.

Plan D: Get Jeanne to eat Tekiyaki Udon and drink Refresh Mineral Water.

Plan E: Get Jeanne to put on poisoned clothing, after which she will run off, construct a pyre and burn herself, her spirit then ascending to Olympus to be turned into a Goddess.

_Poison, poison, poison over and over again. No ingenuity at all. And where I can find poison in a land full of ice and snow? Not to mention this Tekiyaki Udon and Refresh Mineral Water. What the hell are those? Where am I going to get them? And what's with Plan E? The last thing I want Jeanne to become is a Goddess…_

She contemptuously regarded the cowering pile of worthlessness quivering at the foot of her bean bag. "Is this the best you can come up with, shrimp?"

Manta shuddered at the rebuke. "Well, I could have hired Noir…"

"They're out of our budget and from another genre. Work with what we have."

"Yes, Mistress…"

"Are you being snide with me, shrimp?"

"No, Mistress!"

Anna pouted. _Why can't I just drop a big snowstorm on their castle during the party, burying the land in ice forever? That would solve my problems neatly._

She started. _Why _can't_ I? Of course I _can!

Anna smiled evilly. "Manta? Cancel the poisons, noodles and mineral water. I've a plan."

**  
**Jeanne sighed. She didn't mind getting betrothed. She knew it was tradition. Still, she wished that at least she herself be allowed to pick the boy she would marry.

But this Prince Lyserg didn't sound too bad a fiancé. From the portraits sent by the Diethyl clan, he looked quite handsome. So handsome, he was almost pretty. Almost as pretty as her, even.

Jeanne blushed. _Stop being so silly!_

_But he has a kind face. I think he is very kind, too. It would be nice to meet him in person._

It was beginning to snow outside.

**  
**"Ooh, look!" An enraptured Horohoro pointed at the sky. "Snow! Cool!"

Beside him, Pilika blinked. "What's this? Snow in the spring?" She had a bad feeling about it.

"It was a cold and snowy day," Horohoro intoned. Pilika twitched at the _Ace Combat Zero_ reference.

**  
**Suddenly, the snowfall became a full-blown snowstorm. People caught out in the open instantly turned into snowmen, with button eyes, carrot noses and branches as arms, right where they stood.

The horrified Jeanne stared at the catastrophe. She watched as innocent people were turned into outdoor Christmas decorations. Then someone grabbed her and pulled her into shelter. Her rescuer set about hastily closing the windows, keeping the killing cold outside.

"What–"

"Jeanne-_sama._" It was Milly. She had finally stopped moving. Most of her body was frozen. Her tears were turning into ice as well. "The Ice Queen is freezing the kingdom! You must escape!"

"No! I can't leave you here!"

"You have to go! For our sakes! Go!" Then Milly became a petite snowwoman.

Crying, Jeanne ran out of her room, past the frozen Lily Five and into the throne room. There she found to her horror that both her parents, King Horohoro and Queen Pilika, were also turning into snowpeople.

"No! Father! Mother!" The girl fell to her knees and wept.

Horohoro reached out to his daughter with the one arm that was still unfrozen. "You must avenge me, Kimba– uh, I mean, Simba– drat! I mean: Jeanne!"

Pilika simply said, "Fly, you fool."

Both of them turned into snowpeople.

Jeanne cried. Her tears, strangely, did not freeze despite the snow and ice sweeping throughout the realm. She felt not the cold but intense sadness for her family and her people.

_Everyone is gone… maybe I should be gone, too…_

Then she saw the portrait of the boy she was supposed to marry one day. His kind face still smiled at her, even as his painting slowly froze.

"Lyserg. Would you still want me, an orphan girl with no kingdom or family?"

**  
_"Jeanne-_chan_."_**

She turned and was awed. Tamamura Tamao, the Pinkan Angel, her Fairy Godmother, hovered before her beatifically.

**  
**Anna regarded the scene with dissatisfaction. _You just have to spoil everything now, do you, Tamao-_chan_? Well, there is no stopping what's next. And even you cannot stop me all the time, my meddlesome cousin. _She turned from the mirror of ice to consider the boy shown by her ice crystal ball.

_Lyserg Diethyl. I have something special for you._

**  
**"AH!" Rin was up in arms over the injustice. "ANNA IS SO BAD!"

"Very bad, indeed," Sesshomaru agreed.

"Cookies and milk," Kikyo announced as she entered carrying a tray of said goodies (Chips Ahoy and Anchor Milk).

"Yay!"


	5. Chapter 5

**The Fourth Wall**

**(as inspired by Syaoran no Hime)**

**  
**In Africa, Horohoro is stampeded by a bunch of African wildebeest, having been shoved off the cliff by Ren. "ZOMG IM FALLING AND GETTING STEPPED ON BY CARABAO! LOL ROFLMAO!"

In Morio, Pilika falls into the bottomless pit, having been dragged off the Bridge by the Balrog. "AAHHHH! SHEO! I HATE YOU!"

"_Kuya,_ you're a mean person," Jess scolded.

"But I couldn't help it…" the Author whines.

* * *

**  
**

**_And so continues…_**

**  
An Impossibly Twisted Fairy Tale**

**  
**

**Episode Four**

**lyserg's fall**

* * *

**  
**Lyserg sighed. He didn't mind getting betrothed. Tradition was tradition. Still, he wished that at least he himself be allowed to pick the girl he would marry.

But this Princess Jeanne didn't sound too bad a fiancée. From the portraits sent by the D'Arc Clan, she was very pretty._ Almost as pretty as me, come to think of it._

Lyserg blushed. _Stop comparing her to yourself, dummy! She's a girl! And what kind of guy likes to look like a girl? Weirdo…_

_But she is beautiful. And she seems kind, too. No, she isn't a bad choice, not at all…_

It was beginning to snow outside.

**  
**The diminutive, hunchbacked figure wrapped in tattered robes stood outside the gates of Castle Diethyl for the longest time. "Come on, you high-living, tea-loving, cooking-sucks-as-badly-as-airport-food snobs," grumbled a small voice as snow piled up on his head.

"Calling Number 456, Number 456," the PA speaker announced, "You may now have your scheduled audience with King Diethyl. Calling Number 456…"

"Finally!" The robed figure shuffled past the row of tall Beefeater Guards guarding the gate. "Stupid random numbers…"

"Stupid hobbit," a Beefeater muttered to his partner.

"It's a Jawa, dummy."

"Hobbit."

"Jawa."

"Will the both of you shut up?" a third guard, who was a Filipino immigrant, snapped. "I say it's a _Tiyanak_, and that's that."

**  
**Lyserg entered the throne room, only to nearly trip on a small bundle of black rags.

"OW! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE WALKING, YOU ARISTOCRATIC CLOD!" the offended bundle snarled at him.

The Prince blinked. _A pile of clothes that talked?_ "Is that any way to talk to the prince of this country?" Lyserg asked.

"Hey!' the bundle suddenly exclaimed. "You're my target!" Manta flung off his robes, pulled out a weird looking staff and zapped Lyserg with it. "Hah! You're gone, Prince!"

Nothing happened. Lyserg was unharmed and unchanged. "What the–"

"Yikes!" Manta was in a panic. "Mistress! The British Ray! It didn't work!"

**"_Of course, it didn't work, you moron,"_** came the telepathic message. _"**He's**_** British."**

A single hailstone fell from the sky, went through a window and rapped Manta hard on the head. _**"Now, stop wasting time and just shoot him with the right Ray already."**_

"Yes, Mistress!" Manta got up and aimed the staff at Lyserg. "Avadra Kedavra!"

Alarmed, Lyserg dodged the green beam. Instead the death ray spell hit the Prime Minister, who died instantly.

**"_You blundering fool! The Prime Minister was on _our_ side!"_**

"Ah! Sorry, Mistress!" Then Manta was mobbed by the Beefeater Guards, who shot him, bayoneted him, clubbed him with the butts of their rifles and kicked him again and again while they reloaded. (Complete with 60s fighting special effects.)

"Kill the hobbit!" one snarled. **POW!**

"Damn Jawa!" **KICK!**

"_Tiyanak! Mamatay ka, anak ni Janice! Etong 'i-Sukob' mo! Bumalik ka sa 'Shake, Rattle and Roll'!"_ **MANNY PACQUIAO'S K.O. PUNCH!**

"OOF! AUGH! ARGH! AI BARRERA! HELP ME, MISTRESS!"

**"_How pathetic."_** Suddenly the entire room filled with ice. Anna rose from the mirror-like sheen of the frozen floor. "Never send a shrimp to do a woman's job."

"It's the Ice Queen! Guards! Get her!"

"Too late for all of you." Anna froze all the soldiers and officials, as well as the King and Queen. She turned to Lyserg. The boy drew his sword. "You monster!" he bravely declared as he charged. "Die, fiend!"

With just a thought, Anna froze his legs. As Lyserg struggled, she walked over to him, took away his sword and smirked. "My, my, but you _are_ a handsome boy, aren't you? And a strong-willed one, too," she added as he glared hatefully at her. "You merit special consideration."

The Ice Queen withdrew a vial of clear blue liquid from her bosom. (Lyserg blushed.) She poured its contents into her mouth but did not drink it. Instead she cupped Lyserg's face with her hands and kissed him, passing the liquid into him through their kiss.

"Delicious," Anna murmured as she ended it.

Lyserg spat vilely. "You– that was my first kiss! Unforgivable!" Then he shuddered violently. "What's happening to me?"

"Will your princess still fall in love with you," Anna asked evilly, "If you are now a monster in her eyes?"

His scream failed to overpower her evil chuckling.

**  
**"EWWWW! ANNA WANTED TO MAKE BABIES WITH LYSERG! YUCK!"

Sesshomaru and Kikyo exchanged brief, knowing, amused looks even as Rin guzzled an entire glass of Anchor Milk to get the foul taste out of her mouth.

* * *

_and we all know this will be continued- if i survive the flames for having anna kiss lyserg... gomennasai, jeanne-chama (sobs)..._


End file.
